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SCORES EXPLAINED:

5.0 Perfect
4.5 Excellent
4.0 Very Good
3.5 Good
3.0 Fair
2.5 Weak
2.0 Poor
1.5 Bad
1.0 Terrible
0.5 Atrocious
0.0 Your Mom


Funkmaster V Reviews


7800 Rank: Not Ranked

Genre: Hybrid (Puzzle/ Platformer)

Awards: None
Grandmummies Verses Regular Mummies Pros: Incredible Audio/ Amazing Rewind Feature/ Tons of Levels
Cons: Lack of Combat
We've All Heard of Pearl's Jam, But What About Molly's Jellies?


Overview: Millie and Molly is a brand new, Atari 7800 game that is a port of an obscure Commodore 64 homebrew. This title adds something more to the library than a Boulderdash-esque puzzle/ platformer... it adds old ladies! Two old grannies
are the heroes of the game! When's the last time a video game programmer has let us steer around a couple of blue hairs in the efforts to save the universe? Representation matters, folks (and besides... a few of us playing Atari games these days are probably great-grandparents already- I'm looking at you Alabama). So what is this game about and how do we not break a hip?

Graphics: There's nothing wrong with Millie and Molly's graphics here, but they are pretty simple and the sprites are small. Menus are easy to read, there are 5 complete different board themes during our 100 level quest. Trying to figure out what things are and what's going on story wise may be a waste of time, because M&M is all about pondering, chewing on your thumb, and scratching your head. The graphics are good enough to get the job done.

Sound: The Pokey chip sound track is made by a guy who loves to diddle with video game sound, Synthpopalooza (Bobby Clark) from Knoxville Tennessee: a town I lived in for years (the stink finally left my clothes last week). But the audio doesn't sound like it came from the southern mountains, it sounds like it came from an 8 bit booty shaking heaven. There are different music tracks for each theme, and the funky-ass hip hip funk Egyptian level jam is just amazing. One of the best scores in the library. The third theme's soundtrack may be a little obnoxious for 20+ levels, but it is still catchy. There is also an underwater (melancholy) theme, and the final stages are spooky themed with appropriate, camp-horror sonic stylings. The menu music is terrific too, but the best audio lick in the game comes from completing a level. There is a short victory tune that sounds so much like a Metroid sample that it makes me feel like I just saved the 8 bit universe and fills me with a little too much emotion for a man my age.

Gameplay: This is a thinking man's platformer. At first glance, it may be tempting to blow off Millie and Molly as a cheap cash grab on an aging population (kidding), but truthfully the kind of challenge that resides in this game is in short supply in the 7800 library. So, Millie and Molly are old ladies, huh? Yes. Them womenz birthed some babies, and them babies birthed babies. But instead of controlling two brittle, dainty grannies around the levels, these ladies have girl power in droves. You see, they can't be killed by the monsters they are commissioned to destroy, and they can't fall to their deaths nor be crushed by boulders. These are some badd bitches... like Coffy and Foxy Brown together... but white, older and with less boob-play. Its a simple puzzle game as far as gameplay goes. Climb ladders, push boulders to make bridges or set up platforms, dig through dirt, kill monsters by simply running over them, etc. The programmer told me the first 30 (!) levels or so were more or less training levels to prepare you for the complexities for the final 70. (I started having trouble at level 19, LOL) Sometimes in the game, only Millie (I guess that's Millie) is used... and other times you need the tag team. A simple press of the left button can switch control from one to the other. One may have to set up bridges or lower rocks for the other one to climb over to kill some of the game's weird baddies. There's no time limit. You can't die. And even if you screw up... all hope is not lost. Why? Because these two badd women HAVE CONTROL OVER SPACE AND TIME TOO.

Originality: WHAT? CONTROL OVER SPACE IN TIME? Yes. In what may be the most impressive feature of any Atari 7800 game that has ever existed, MK Smith from Australia has programmed a full gameplay rewind feature in the game. By simply pressing the right button, you can easily navigate this witchcraft to back the game up to where you made a level killing mistake or even before. It even includes VCR distortion as it rewinds. How bad-ass is that? I have told people before that I think wizards and fairies live in computers and video games systems...I just don't understand the tech... I just play the games. This feature is especially hard for me to comprehend. I simply can't believe that the 7800 is actually pulling this off. In fact, one time I set the game gently on the floor and slowly walked away from it out of pure respect.

Value: When this game gets released on cart, you are gonna have HOURS of game play puzzle fun. If you enjoy the likes of Boulderdash, Crystal Mines 2, Lode Runner, Chip's Challenge, or an obscure Gameboy title called Cat-Trap, which inspired this game, this will be your low-key jam.

Overall: I'm writing this review on International Women's Day in honor of ole Millie and Molly and awesome women everywhere. These girls have seen it all: 9/11, the housing market crash, space shuttles exploding, the Vietnam War, the Watts riots... you name it. Now their world is being attacked by the most inept army in the history of inept monster armies. Seriously, this would be like the movie Independence Day, but instead of nefarious aliens in the ships there were just clones of Glass Joe from Punchout. Oh... wait... this is an Atari page... so... um.... a clone army of Dip Sticks from Fight Night. Actually- these guys are even easier to kill than those tomato cans. But M&M isn't about killing fools, its about growing them brain cells up big and strong. There's alot to love here: Easter Eggs, great pokey 8 bit music, 100 levels, save key and level passcode support, 1 or 2 button joystick options, and let's not forget the amazing rewind tech. MK Smith's first game is killer, but he had some experienced help from Mike Saarna and RevEng (of Seprentine and T:ME Salvo fame) and Bobby Clark (Pokey chip sound programming), among others and it shows. So in conclusion: Bad ass women rule because they kick ass. Bad ass old women rule even harder because they kick ass and then they make you cookies. Move over Ms. Pac Man, the Atari 7800 has some new queens of the screens: it's Millie and Molly's time now (and ya know... we better hurry with the pomp...)



Additional Info: I would like to take this time to thank programmer MK Smith for allowing the use of his screenshots for this review.